From Reaction to Reflection

Have you ever had a moment where something goes south—a tense interaction with a loved one, an uncomfortable back-and-forth with a coworker—and you find yourself reacting before you’ve had a chance to think? Maybe you freeze. Maybe you argue. Maybe you pull away or shut down. Before any conscious decision is made, a reaction is already happening.

In my last blog, Say What You Mean, I talked about how often we struggle to communicate clearly—not because we don’t care or aren’t trying, but because we aren’t truly in touch with ourselves, especially when we’ve been emotionally activated by tension or stress. So the question is: How do you get to know yourself in those moments? How do you build self-awareness in real time so you can respond more intentionally and connect more effectively with others?

Why Reactions Happen So Fast

You might not realize it, but your nervous system is constantly scanning your surroundings. Every moment, it’s taking in information through your senses, memories, and past experiences and asking a very basic question: Is this safe, or is this threatening?

This process is automatic—much like your heart beating or your lungs filling with air. Your brain is wired to interpret what’s happening around you without conscious thought so you can stay alert, protected, and alive. That’s not a flaw; it’s how you’re built.

The challenge is that when your nervous system senses threat—emotional or otherwise—it often reacts faster than your ability to think things through. That’s when you might freeze, argue, withdraw, over-explain, or shut down—sometimes before you even know what you’re feeling.

Catching Your Reaction

So what do we do with something that feels so automatic?

One of the most effective ways to change our reactions is surprisingly simple: we begin by noticing that they’re happening.

This may sound obvious, but most of us move through stressful moments on autopilot. We often only recognize our reaction after a conversation has gone sideways or after we’ve said something we didn’t mean to.

“But I’m an Internal Processor…”

At this point, many people will say, “That makes sense—but I’m more of an internal processor,” or “I need time to think things through logically before I can respond.” And for many people, that’s true. Some of us are more outwardly expressive, while others organize their experience internally and through thought.

But here’s the key point: being an internal processor doesn’t mean you aren’t reacting in the moment.

Both internal and external processors have nervous systems that are interpreting, responding, and prompting reactions in real time. The difference isn’t whether reactions are happening—it’s how visible they are and how quickly they’re acknowledged.

Many more logic-oriented or “thinking” people have learned—often very early—to compartmentalize or dismiss emotional and physical reactions in order to stay calm, in control, or avoid conflict. They may rely heavily on their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and organizing—to regain a sense of stability. From the outside, this can look like calmness or neutrality. On the inside, the body may already be activated.

This is why I often get excited when more thought-oriented clients begin tuning into their real-time reactions. It opens up an entirely new level of insight and regulation. Instead of waiting until everything makes logical sense, they begin to notice what’s happening as it’s happening—the blank mind, the tightening chest, the urge to withdraw, the sudden fatigue.

What Noticing Can Do

Here’s what this can look like in real life.

Imagine a couple talking about plans for the evening. One partner says, “I’d really like to leave by 9:00 tonight.” On the surface, it sounds like a simple preference. The other partner responds, “It’s fine if we stay out later—I don’t really care.”

For the first partner, something shifts. They feel irritated, tense, maybe even dismissed—but they’re not exactly sure why. If they’re an internal processor, they may go quiet, pull away, or mentally start building a case for why leaving on time makes sense.

But if they pause and tune in, they might notice their heart racing or their shoulders tightening. They might realize, I’m feeling anxious. I’m worried that if we don’t leave by 9, I’ll feel trapped or ignored. I need reassurance that my needs matter to you.

Without that awareness, the conversation can easily turn into frustration or withdrawal. With it, the partner might say, “I’m realizing this isn’t just about the time. I’m feeling a bit anxious and I think I need to know we’re on the same page.”

Now the conversation shifts—from logistics to connection.

Turning Reaction into Reflection

So how do you actually begin noticing your reactions in real time?

A few simple questions can help bring awareness to what’s happening beneath the surface:

• What is my body doing?
  Am I feeling hot, jittery, tense, or fidgety? Is my breath shallow or held? Am I avoiding eye contact, yawning, stretching, or going still?

• What is my mind doing?
  Is it racing? Going blank? Criticizing me—or the other person? Am I preparing an argument or a defense?

• What am I feeling?
  Annoyed? Impatient? Curious? Confused? Embarrassed? Insecure? Shut down?

As you tune into these reactions, you gain access to your needs more quickly. If I notice my body heating up in a conversation, I might realize I’m getting angry and need to slow my breathing. If my mind goes blank, I may recognize that as overwhelm and ask for a pause—with more intention and explanation.

The more you notice yourself, the more present you can be with others. Because the truth is this: your ability to connect with others is deeply connected to your ability to connect with yourself. When you learn to catch your reactions and turn them into reflection, you create space for choice, clarity, and deeper connection—starting from the inside out.