Say What You Mean
“Say what you mean and mean what you say.” It sounds simple enough. But in real life, especially in close relationships, it’s rarely that easy.
You might believe you're being honest and direct with your partner, friend, or family member when you talk to them—and in many ways, you probably are. But even when our words are clear, there’s often a gap between what we say and what we actually mean.
As a couples therapist, I see this all the time. Two people sit across from each other, both convinced they’ve expressed themselves clearly. Both saying they’ve told each other precisely what they think and feel. Yet somehow, despite this, both continue to feel misunderstood and frustrated. So what’s happening?
More often than not, the problem isn't that we're being vague, dishonest, or even (as we so often assume) that our partner isn’t listening. The real issue is that we often speak from the surface of our experience, only telling part of the story to our partner —without even realizing it ourselves.
Take this example: you turn to your partner in the evening and ask, “Can you put in a load of laundry tonight?” Seems like a simple, reasonable request. But what you may not even realize is that underneath that request is all your feelings of overwhelm or exhaustion. Or consider, “I really want to make sure we head out by 9:00 p.m.”—on the surface, it’s just about time. But beneath it, there might be a feeling of anxiety around coming off as the bad guy or party pooper and not having your limits recognized.
When your partner replies, “Let’s just do it later,” or “Let’s play it by ear” you might suddenly feel frustrated or dismissed. They are responding to your words, but they aren’t tuning into your internal world. And very possibly, neither are you.
Listening to Yourself
This is where self-insight comes in: if you aren’t aware of your own emotions, needs, and fears, how can you expect your partner to respond to them? Too often, understanding our full internal experience is exactly what we expect from them and when they don’t respond to this we get angry and accuse them of “not listening”. Of course, when you think you're just asking for help or planning logistics but you’re actually seeking support, reassurance, or connection from your partner, it's no wonder things go sideways! But it’s importance to recognize that maybe the issue isn’t with your partner’s listening: it’s with your own struggle to listen to yourself. Your partner can’t respond to what they don’t see. And you can’t tell them what you haven’t taken the time to learn about yourself.
So the next time you’re feeling let down, irritated, or confused during a conversation, pause and ask yourself:
What am I really trying to say?
What am I hoping my partner will understand, feel, or offer in return?
An example of this could be checking in when you notice defensiveness rising up in a conflict—whether in yourself or your partner. You might feel the urge to “argue the facts”—to clarify, correct, or defend when your partner does not seem to agree or see your perspective. But asking yourself, “What am I hoping they feel in response to what I’m saying if I share this counterpoint?” invites you deeper into your own experience. You might discover that behind your argument lies an unspoken and unrecognized hope: Please show me you still respect me.
If you express only your counterpoint—without first acknowledging that emotional layer to yourself or your partner—chances are, they’ll respond with their own rebuttal without knowing you’re trying to satisfy your fear that they don’t care or don’t respect your perspective. And just like that, you’re both stuck in a loop: frustrated, unheard, and unsure why the conversation feels so off.
“Know Thyself”
Clear communication starts with self-inquiry. And here’s the good news: you don’t have to get it exactly right or understand yourself perfectly every time. Insight is a skill—one that grows with practice. But building the habit of pausing, tuning in, and asking, What’s really going on inside me? can slowly shift the way you show up in conversation. Even starting with, “I’m not totally sure, but I think I’m feeling…” can be enough to open a door to better communication.
Because clear communication doesn’t begin with the words you say out loud.
It begins with listening to the words you haven’t heard within yourself.
And when you find, hear, and share those words—even imperfectly—you give your partner a real chance to meet you where you truly are.
